Uncharted

Well I am pleased to inform you that this will be the last post of 2010. Lately I've been reflecting on the past year and recalling certain moments that could be defined as "life-changers", I won't go into those but we all have them and I believe there is some importance in remembering those moments. What I am wanting to talk to myself about today is how I can have more of those "life-changers" and I'm about to get real honest here, so if I happen to offend the 3 people that read this, I apologize...it's a life journey (hence the title of this blog) and I'm trying to pave my own path here.

I'm not really sure how to begin but there are a lot of people in my life right now that I don't agree with. I think they're making mistakes, worrying their lives away or just are plain old in a slump and it drives me crazy! I can talk all day about what I think these people should do differently but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I am realizing that everyone has their own path. I have been through hell and back a couple times and have come to realize that the people I thought were my friends, had no idea what was even going on in my life and the people that I thought were acquaintances were really the best friends I could have asked for. I've made the realization that although you have a "mom" and "dad" that they are also people going through their own battles and making their own choices. I've learned that you really can't trust everyone, even the people that are closest to you sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that the friends you've had for the longest amount of time aren't always your strongest friendships and the most important thing I've come to know is that we MUST become uncomfortable to grow. I'm going to repeat it again because I think it is so important: WE MUST BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE TO GROW.

So now I'm down to maybe 1 person who reads this and you're probably only half way paying attention at this point because I just kicked you where it hurts. I know it hurts me to think that way sometimes but I am also the most thankful for the moments where I pushed myself off the cliff, learned to enjoy the feeling of falling, hit the side a couple times and ended up flat on my face with a couple broken bones but was in a brand new valley that took me to a better place in my life and then repeated the action. Sometimes we don't always know how far the fall will be, sometimes we just need to start with jumping off baby steps to scare ourselves a little bit and then realize that we're okay after all. Either way, my challenge to everybody in their lives this next year is to walk up to the side of your cliff, whether that is taking a trip to someplace you've always wanted to go, or telling a person something you've always wanted to tell them, or branching out and making new friends, or moving away and pursuing your dreams but by all means, throw yourself off the edge. I promise it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and if you can't think of anything that scares you then I encourage you to climb out from the rock you are living under and do something, take a risk, encourage others to take risks in their lives, come alive again, break out from your everyday routine and LIVE for heaven's sake, start somewhere!



Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9


Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -John Eldredge 




The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. -Leo Buscaglia


Do one thing every day that scares you. 
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The Death of Debbie Downer

Have you ever been mentally assaulted by something completely out of the blue? Today I was sitting at my desk at work, just organizing, doing simple tasks when I started thinking about my thoughts. I by no means have had a bad week, sure it's been stressful but for some reason my mind was tormenting me with horrible negativity. Anger, jealousy, sadness, I was beating up on myself for absolutely no reason at all. Then in a quick change I would go in the exact opposite direction and think "I am WAY to hard on myself, I work so hard, I deserve to treat myself". This thought then helping my validate bad behavior in a totally different way. How come I couldn't seem to balance my life? There was no neutral ground in my head, I was being harassed and had no idea how to stop it. I have been fighting with myself all day with trying to force myself to do things that I really do love doing but for some reason everything has been so much harder, not as fun, just being a total Debbie Downer and nobody wants to hang out with Miss Downer as we all know.


Then I started taking control of this. (Uhm hi, I'm in my second decade of life and now just learning how to stop thinking bad thoughts, go me...) I literally had to stop whatever I was doing at the time, oh yes, eating like I hadn't been fed in the last 2 weeks, to think about WHY I was being so crazy. This was hard to do, those ravioli's were starting to develop a very loud, convincing and distracting voice. So I started planting little thankful seeds in my head (this was easy seeing as how thanksgiving was just last week and I had lots of things fresh on my mind) Once I had crawled through the back door of my mind and fought Debbie Downer to the ground, tied her up and kicked her butt out the door I hung out for a bit and began to wonder how she even got there in the first place. 


Recently, I've been taking many risks, putting myself out there, pushing myself out of "the box" and all of this seemed to be paying off. I am finally getting a grip of what I think I could ultimately see myself doing, at least for a little while. I am developing a sense of who I want to be, how I want others to see me, etc. As I've progressed in this direction I have had such a strong force against me and one of the ways that has been pressing me the most are these sneaky little things I think. It makes me realize that there is something that doesn't want me to progress, that wants me to stay stagnant and vegetative. So wouldn't that same press for inactivity want to tell me the opposite of who I am supposed to be? Could it be possible now, that I've finally developed a sense of self, that something is scared of the power that was vested towards me in the beginning and wants to lead me astray? So does this all in fact mean that every negative thought, belief, and insecurity of mine is indeed false and quite the opposite?


I think so. 


I have come across the truth and realization that sometimes our greatest fears in life are often our greatest callings in life. We've all heard some sort of story that is similar: the great author/speaker who used to be shy and failed English class in high school or something to that extent. So my next thoughts are these: What is it that holds me back from my dream the most? What can I do to recognize these fears and remove them from my life in every way?


Then it's realized! Then I will pursue this and of course fail a couple times but I'm a work in progress


I always think that with so much focus on self at times it's easy to make that a bad habit instead of a good one so look around at everyone else that is signaling to you that they have weaknesses and fears and speak truth and power into their lives. That person who is constantly complaining that you typically try to stray away from probably has a major need for positive reinforcement in their life. 


So I leave you with this: Whether Debbie Downer is your BFF, your worst enemy or that girl that always shows up uninvited to your party (in my case), believe in your deepest dream and don't let anyone tell you differently. Your fear(s) that seem overwhelming at times are usually a. not as horrible as they appear b. the breaking point for something amazing that is about to happen in your life. So go out and kick butt, take names and be who you were made to be. Also feed the needy people around you with blessed words because you just may need them in a time of weakness one day. 


Peace, Love & Starbucks Holiday Cups

delivered

As I skimmed over the last post from the middle of this month I can't believe how much has happened. I can say that within a two week period God has shown up and delivered in ways that I could have never expected or deserved. After I tithed the $100 of the last of my money I received a call from my mom 2 days later saying that my grandma was willing to pay for my next month's rent at the place I was no longer living in (and still looking for a roommate at the time). My rent was $1,100, within 2 days God had returned my investment 11 times over. There is no way I could have ever asked anyone for that much money, nor could I have supplied it for myself, BUT GOD always has a plan. 

To continue with my next week, I had been praying constantly, over and over "God by the end of this week, I need a roommate to take my place". Well, as I'm sure we know or have heard God has a sense of humor and as I was busy making my own plan for what I wanted God to do, he had his own idea already set for me. Last Sunday, I had realized that I never published my post on craigslist for my apartment, so right before I went to church I published it and left. I checked my e-mail after church to find that a girl was interested in my place and wanted to check it out in a couple hours. We met up and she said she would "think about it and let me know". I was used to hearing this by now from a few other girls who wanted to see it. I figured she probably wouldn't call back and I would have to continue my search, entering into the last week of October. Before I even returned back to my new place I got a call from her saying she wanted to move in. I didn't believe it for a second and then after I hung up the phone started thanking God for once again, saving my hopeless self. 

Now as I arrive into the first week of November and begin my job search I have no doubt in my mind that He will continue to deliver in ways that I can't even imagine. 

We can second guess, freak out, set our own deadlines, put in all our effort, try and fail and try again then snap at God when he doesn't give us our way. OR we can choose to take the steps necessary to set God up for success in our lives. After we do that there is no need to stress and worry. I didn't get any call from anyone offering me 1,000 bucks or have someone e-mail me randomly asking if I had a place they could live in. I had to first give the last of my savings, then I had to post my ad up everywhere I could. After I did that I knew I could sit back and let God take over. That's what he promises.

Luke 11:9

And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 

Psalms 23:4-6

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

in GOD we trust

There have been more than enough stresses being handed to me lately, as I submerge myself back into my school work for my last quarter here at FIDM I find myself in another new apartment, trying to find someone to take my place at the one I signed a year for last month, homework and working part time for an Interior Design firm. There are many twists and turns to my story that I don't really want to get into but let me tell you, I've never felt this much weight on my shoulders before in my life. As if the things to deal with in the front of my mind aren't enough I also have the lingering presence of what college I'm going to attend after I graduate here in 2 months, what kind of job I want to start looking for, preparing my portfolio, resume, business cards, website, etc. for future job interviews, it all is seeming quite tedious at the moment.

As my long list of to-do's sits patiently unfettered in my mind I can't help but hear the voice of God calling me to him, louder than it ever has before. I ask a question and can instantly hear a voice, not of my own, putting my anxiety back to a resting place in him.

This morning, as I was reading a passage in Matthew 6 about giving without expecting anything in return I immediately wasn't reading it for my own benefit. I figured that these were lovely words for someone who has money, time, energy and obviously no problems at all that they can then focus on other people. I stopped and cleaned up my breakfast mess and returned with a whole new perspective on this passage.

You see, I have $2.22 in an old banking account (that I still probably won't get rid of because I think it's awesome that it's 222) which is all I have to my name as far as the government knows. I've also had this $100 bill in a pretty little envelope entitled Lauren's Savings Envelope  (just in case an intruder was going through my stuff and wanted to know exactly where the rest of my savings was) that has been tucked away in my bible for quite sometime now. As I sat in some sort of meditative daze I heard God asking me to tithe my $100. For more than a year now, I haven't had a job that pays and have been relying completely on my parents or student loans to pay for school, rent, etc. So this $100 bill is the only thing left from any sort of pride that I may have. That, and $2.22...this money is rightfully mine, I've been diligent on keeping it and not spending this crisp little piece of paper.

As I pulled little Benjamin Franklin from my pristine envelope and examined my last resource, I realized that this money was not mine to begin with, it is God's. I started thinking about all that I had been through in the past year living in LA and how much I've had to rely on him, how he has always pulled through for me and now more than ever do I need him. I'm a mess without him and I need some sort of miracle to kick me out of this little rut. As I flipped the bill over I noticed the words at the top: 'IN GOD WE TRUST' and I couldn't help but smile.

I don't know who is reading this, it could be more people than I assume (and I assume no one will) but that's not the point. The point is, whatever you're going through, just know that you can trust God. He has always been there for you whether you know it or like it or choose to take advantage of it or whatever. All I can say is that it's worked for me, if I end up falling flat on my face at the end of all this then so be it. I've also learned that giving (in whatever form) is for everyone, not just those that have all the time and resources in the world but those who are in the midst of the hardship. How much more will God be glorified and those people be blessed when they give the last of what they have? THAT is trust. I'm choosing to put my confidence in the one and only folks, I hope you choose to do the same.

Matthew 6:19
¹⁹"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

sown

I am a seed,
a product of my producers,
tossed into unknown soil, 
water me and see my roots spread deep, 
splayed around me,
grasping that of the unknown,
breaking into new ground,
growing, searching, then,
an upward pursuit,
a glance, 
a source of life,
everlasting,
filled, 
a new purpose,
a new growth,
a new start.
I am a root,
a product of hope,
found in fertile soil,
water me and watch the ground break,
stretching outward,
soaking up the light,
feeling the sweet breath of fresh air,
reaching new heights,
establishing,
budding,
branching.
I am a bloom,
a product of my branch,
revealing the mysteries built over many nights,
water me and watch the beads form,
I am known,
realized,
recognized,
an impermeable beauty,
vulnerable to so much,
yet confident in my sources,
nourish yourself in my production,
let it give you strength,
I am a well spring of life to those in need,
bending and swaying as the winds please,
strong in my standing,
I do not fear,
retreating when the sun sets,
I am a short season.
I am plucked,
pulled from the ground I once knew,
do with my skins what you please,
place me in a vase,
hang me to dry,
toss me aside,
I know,
that although a short stint served,
a seed is all I was,
given opportunity,
a new chance
watered,
fed,
and from that a burst of laughter,
confident in my ways,
contagiously spreading to others,
take from me what you will,
let it nurture you,
taken from the ground,
I'm closer to the light,
my valiant source,
my hope in time of need,
I am a seed. 

sunsets & sushi

They say it's "June gloom" but it's July and definitely still gloomy outside in the mornings. The funny thing about living here in LA that I haven't experienced elsewhere is this "marine layer" [*cough* SMOG] that seems to take cover of the sky during the night and stays most of the morning usually clearing around 12 noon. My definition of this phenomenon goes something along the lines of this: junk that accumulates in the air that has to be burned out by the sun for a blue sky later on in the day. To me, there is something kind of wonderful about that picture. 

You know, living in a different place for a year is bound to give you a lot of...interesting... stories. Trust me, I would love to divulge on all the dirt from everything that has happened, but, for time's sake I shouldn't. I'll just tell you a couple things I've deposited into my knowledge bank since I've been here. There is no formula to this, I haven't been keeping a list of these events waiting to spill them out into a blog entry, just simply what I didn't know a year ago and what I do know now. 

The first thing I do know now that I didn't know before is that people aren't always who you think they are, and to add to that, people change. There have been a couple people that have recently come into my life and I have thought that they would be around for a really long time. Obviously people do change, people will make decisions that you thought they would never make, people mess up and say horrible things, they send you over the edge to see how you will react, they test you, ignore you, steal from you and cut you out. Unfortunately this happens mostly, if not always, with people you are the closest to. But to add to this people do change, if you let them. The key I have found to this situation is to be constantly forgiving. Even if it takes every cell in your body to do it, you must do it.

The next thing I have learned is to guard the heart. This is something I have always struggled with and still am struggling with, especially being a young woman when all I want is to feel loved by everything around me. (I say everything because everyONE does not include mirrors) It is so much easier to not think about something and just do it. But later to realize that your heart was in it and you have a couple battle wounds that you now have to tend to. I have had this inner dialogue lately concerning this topic with someone who has held me accountable for  rushing into situations and it has been SO frustrating and so good for me. It's like it has become this aching habit for me now. I have fallen in love with this "rush" that only leaves me beaten in the end. I've found that to love others fully we need to restrain ourselves sometimes, to not give every ounce of thought, emotion, admiration etc. into everyone around us. We must love God first, ourselves second and others third.

The last thing is to be thankful for everything. We have all been so blessed! If you are reading this you are most likely a well fed human with money in your bank account, a car to drive, a job or a school to attend (maybe both), a bunch of clothes in your closet (some of which you probably never wear), a God that loves you, access to a computer with the internet and a support system of some kind (family, friends, co-workers). I, for one, am thankful for all of these things. I am also thankful for some smaller things in life. Moments that make it worth living. Things like long conversations on 'how to be a better person' with a best friend, sitting outside, feeling a perfectly timed breeze when you're getting a little too hot, thinking good things about other people who have done you wrong, giving compliments to complete strangers, getting a really good plate of sushi with a really good person to enjoy it with...

It's things like this that make even some of the worst days worth living. It is just like my example of this "June gloom". If we are a human living on earth we're going to have this constant fight with junk that gets shoveled into our lives just like the sky gets clouded and bogged down with pollution. But if we seek God on a daily basis he is the only way to filter out all of the nastiness that comes our way. He is the only one who can take the pain from feeling hurt by others, the frustration of wanting to rebel, the hurt that comes with an aching heart and the confusion from life's circumstances away from us. Just like the smog gives way to the sun, we also need to give way to God and let him lead our lives. Only then can we enjoy a sunset at the end of the day and have clarity in our way of thinking.

remember why you started; remember where you're headed

I believe in dreams. I truly believe that if you want something badly enough you will one day get it. I also believe that if you aim for nothing...you will get that too. I think there is something so beautiful in never settling for the world's standards and exceeding beyond those standards to something unknown. That is my dream. That is the exact thought that sent me to design school.

Lately though, I've been feeling a need to stop and remember that dream.

LA is a great place to get really distracted. The past few months I feel like I've been doing just that. I can hear God telling me to stop and spend time with him but I look at my schedule and don't see any possibilities. Everyone here is always on the run, always loaded down and stressed with trying to maintain all of these things at once. And unfortunately I have found myself caught up with them recently. The greatest thing about the realization of this, is that I know it's not where I'm supposed to be. And the worst thing about it is that time has gone by and I haven't drawn nearer to God. I've drifted farther away. So here I am, looking back to remember why I'm here, why I'm chasing this dream, what I need to do along the way to serve God with the blessings he has given me.

Isn't that what we follow our dreams for? To better serve God? To bring peace to our hearts? Yet this world is so good at giving you other things to steer you away from what you're trying to do. The world gives us "good enough" when really we were meant to be more than good enough! The world is scared! So they lie to you to dumb you down to their level. Don't believe the negative things about yourself that bring fear in your life...that cripples your full potential!

I'm not sure what my future looks like but the beauty of it all is that God has his own plan and all I have to do is stay close to him and he'll lead me there safely. I have learned that if you're focused on the day to day all the time and aren't thinking about why you're doing it all, it is easy to get side tracked and lead down the wrong path.

C.S. Lewis says it best:

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."