I went for a drive the other day and broke down. The car didn't break down but I most definitely did. I came crashing to a halt in my spirit while my tires rolled on down the PCH. I can't say it wasn't a long time coming, there were frequent tears that would pour over on lonely nights of homesickness. This isn't an oddity for me either. Ever since I have moved away from home I have been overcome with a darkness that creeps in temporarily. Knowing that the morning is around the corner I would fall asleep with exhaustion from draining myself of tears. Many people that know me very well would never guess that I have this battle raging inside my soul, a true fight for the light in my case. It's not that I am a negative person, although I often times find myself having to adjust my thoughts to a more positive view, it is not my identity. Over these many years of ups and downs, finding myself in pieces on the floor or sprinting to the finish line of a great success. I have found that whether I'm in either of these situations if I do not have God at the center of what I'm doing, there is no peace. This brings me to think that everyone must be fighting for this light whether they know it or not. Everyone is in search of peace whether you like to think that you are or not. Is this not what wars are waged over? Is this not why people do mad things? Is this not why a lover would sacrifice most anything for their significant other, to satisfy a peace at the center of their heart? Is this not why greed exists? If you think about it everything revolves around a peace that everyone is seeking. Whether they want peace for strong finances to provide for themselves and their loved ones. Whether this peace is bringing their nation to a satisfied state. Or even if one wants peace, like me, just to know that the dreams in their hearts will ever become a reality.
I guess I have to ask myself, in these dark places of my life, who is behind the wheel of my life? Is it me? Because if it is, that explains the exhaustion, the negativity, the hopelessness, the loneliness I feel. If God is behind the wheel of my life there is no way I could possibly feel exhausted, negative, hopeless or lonely. Going back and reflecting on the toughest time of my life when I was also seeking God, I had so many miracles happen on a daily basis. I'm not saying that these miracles stop when I am behind the wheel, dictating my life, I just don't notice them as much. It's kind of like the people who are very lucky and blessed and they do not even recognize how much they have and how easy their life is. For some reason I find that those people are the most miserable. We all know these type of people and it is much easier to see from the outside but that is exactly how it is when the Lord is not driving the car of my life. I am skimming the cliffs, driving reckless, just barely missing major accidents, all along God is protecting me while I spin out of control. IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE LIFE! We can get very lucky and live life getting used to God saving us the whole time or we can trust him and give the wheel over to the one who created the car and knows how to drive it better than anyone else in the world. He doesn't get exhausted, He doesn't give up, we have conversations on love, faith, hope, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and I'm certainly not lonely when this is what my life is filled with. Listen, if we spend too long getting used to God saving us and turning our backs to him, he still loves us more than anyone in the world ever could! That is great news! But how sad would you feel once you realize you really need him? I'm sure some of you who are reading this just laughed out loud thinking, Lauren, you're crazy! That's fine, I just know what I know from experience, I've tried both sides, I've tried to live your way and I give you props because it is much more difficult. I'm tossing the keys to my Father in heaven who loves me more than anyone else and can take me on the best ride of my life. There is no better peace than that. Besides, it's always more fashionable to have someone drive you anyways.
God is Love...and Peace for that matter
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11
