Driving Miss Crazy

I went for a drive the other day and broke down. The car didn't break down but I most definitely did. I came crashing to a halt in my spirit while my tires rolled on down the PCH. I can't say it wasn't a long time coming, there were frequent tears that would pour over on lonely nights of homesickness. This isn't an oddity for me either. Ever since I have moved away from home I have been overcome with a darkness that creeps in temporarily. Knowing that the morning is around the corner I would fall asleep with exhaustion from draining myself of tears. Many people that know me very well would never guess that I have this battle raging inside my soul, a true fight for the light in my case. It's not that I am a negative person, although I often times find myself having to adjust my thoughts to a more positive view, it is not my identity. Over these many years of ups and downs, finding myself in pieces on the floor or sprinting to the finish line of a great success. I have found that whether I'm in either of these situations if I do not have God at the center of what I'm doing, there is no peace. This brings me to think that everyone must be fighting for this light whether they know it or not. Everyone is in search of peace whether you like to think that you are or not. Is this not what wars are waged over? Is this not why people do mad things? Is this not why a lover would sacrifice most anything for their significant other, to satisfy a peace at the center of their heart? Is this not why greed exists? If you think about it everything revolves around a peace that everyone is seeking. Whether they want peace for strong finances to provide for themselves and their loved ones. Whether this peace is bringing their nation to a satisfied state. Or even if one wants peace, like me, just to know that the dreams in their hearts will ever become a reality.

I guess I have to ask myself, in these dark places of my life, who is behind the wheel of my life? Is it me? Because if it is, that explains the exhaustion, the negativity, the hopelessness, the loneliness I feel. If God is behind the wheel of my life there is no way I could possibly feel exhausted, negative, hopeless or lonely. Going back and reflecting on the toughest time of my life when I was also seeking God, I had so many miracles happen on a daily basis. I'm not saying that these miracles stop when I am behind the wheel, dictating my life, I just don't notice them as much. It's kind of like the people who are very lucky and blessed and they do not even recognize how much they have and how easy their life is. For some reason I find that those people are the most miserable. We all know these type of people and it is much easier to see from the outside but that is exactly how it is when the Lord is not driving the car of my life. I am skimming the cliffs, driving reckless, just barely missing major accidents, all along God is protecting me while I spin out of control. IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE LIFE! We can get very lucky and live life getting used to God saving us the whole time or we can trust him and give the wheel over to the one who created the car and knows how to drive it better than anyone else in the world. He doesn't get exhausted, He doesn't give up, we have conversations on love, faith, hope, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and I'm certainly not lonely when this is what my life is filled with. Listen, if we spend too long getting used to God saving us and turning our backs to him, he still loves us more than anyone in the world ever could! That is great news! But how sad would you feel once you realize you really need him? I'm sure some of you who are reading this just laughed out loud thinking, Lauren, you're crazy! That's fine, I just know what I know from experience, I've tried both sides, I've tried to live your way and I give you props because it is much more difficult. I'm tossing the keys to my Father in heaven who loves me more than anyone else and can take me on the best ride of my life. There is no better peace than that. Besides, it's always more fashionable to have someone drive you anyways. 

 God is Love...and Peace for that matter

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  -Jeremiah 29:11

Unwritten

I have been wanting to write about something for such a long time now but have been holding off because I haven't quite come up with the right words to say, or the proper topic to write on. Enough is enough though, I'm just going to wing it because there is just too much built up inside of me to not pass it on to the world. I would call everyone I know and bring them up to speed on all of the certain things I learn on a daily basis and the idiotic yet somewhat sensible thoughts that track through my brain but who wants to hear that, and I fear that they would be far too kind to actually care enough to listen to that noise. So hear it is, read it or not, like it or not, I'm finally sitting down to jot it out, because honestly, who really blogs for other people's well being anyway? 

Lately, I must say, life has been pretty different. For one thing, I've never worked so much in my entire life and I'm beginning to learn how to like it especially when pay day rolls around. Secondly, I'm studying business management now, which I NEVER thought I would really study...I have always wanted to have my own business but I just thought it was a matter of leasing space and filling it with stuff to sell people...not the case. I recently made the switch to being vegan, cut out caffeine completely and have started a boot camp work out class that is three times a week. So to say I've been an emotional basket case and exhausted mostly 100% of the time would be a real understatement...now I'm not saying that I deserve any credit for pushing myself to ridiculous levels and to be quite frank, doing things that I definitely don't enjoy (accounting homework and lentils anyone?) because since I have been doing this I have met many people who work much more diligently than I do and it has been a humbling experience. 

I have learned a couple things from my trials along the way down crazy commitment lane. The first of  which would be that these are all positive changes and I need to remember why I started them in the first place. This has been most difficult for me to learn with my business classes. It is honestly like that bad day in high school where you forget everything you learned from the last class and there's a pop quiz that you know you're going to bomb...yes, I have had to hold back tears in class (more than once) because I hate that feeling! Call me crazy but knowing you're about to see a full page of red pen is terrifying and ultimately not understanding what is going on at all just stinks. I could study all day but in the end I'm still not going to really apply inelastic demand to my life, I'm just not going to. You know what else I have learned? That this is necessary for my growth, I'm learning something completely foreign to me and yeah, it's going to be scary and falling down is going to hurt but that's okay because at the end of the day I don't even want to call myself a 'great accountant' or a 'terrific economist'. That's not me and that's fine. I don't have to be good at everything but it is important for me to know about these subjects if I ever want to make a living being a designer one day.

Lesson number two: You can't rely on yourself for everything. This one I'm actually still working on, I really hate asking for favors or for someone to listen to me whine about how tired I am because, well,  I don't like it when people do that to me... On the flip side, however, it is good to feel so confident in a relationship that you can pour all of your irrational thoughts out and they are there to listen and hear you out without judging you. I think that is where I fall short. I have a tendency to feel that if I do this with someone they are going to hightail it the other way and I often have that problem because it has happened several times...not the best feeling ever but it is important to do so. Not only does it make you feel better to dump all the stuff bottled up inside by writing it out, saying it out, or my personal favorite, singing it out (parents loved that one when I was growing up)because it solidifies a relationship. Luckily, I have a couple trusty friends who I know that if I ever just need to talk to about my minor problems they have an open ear. Yes, I did have to weed out a couple people who didn't really care or would later hold it against me but it just shows you who your true friends are (now I'm going on a tangent and I think it was worth it so it's staying on here) You know, there is something so beautiful in being completely vulnerable about how you feel, to someone you love and they are still standing by your side no matter what is said and done.

Lastly friends, I want to talk about expectations. Here were my expectations before I started this whole mind, body, soul, transformation period. Mind: Fall in love with business management and kill every test. Body: Lose AT LEAST 10 pounds, look totally awesome in about 2 weeks...no big deal. Soul: Feel great about eating totally clean and lose at least 10 pounds. 

As you can see the "soul" portion is a little soul-less but those were my honest expectations if I were to have written them down 7 weeks ago. I probably would have laughed a week later realizing how ridiculous I was being. So to let you know what has really happened in 7 weeks, I have failed a couple quizzes, I haven't lost any weight, cutting caffeine was probably one of the more painful food addictions to break (although sugar is a leading contender as well), not really seeing a whole lot of "ripped" muscles coming through although I do feel stronger and have seen an improvement in my work outs and being vegan rocks (honestly, no complaints). So all in all, within 7 weeks my expectations have failed in most ways but I have made positive reinforcements in my life that I have proven to myself that I am able to do. I am strong enough, I do have enough self-control, I do have enough will power and everyone else does too. I would like to think that my expectations would be more realistic in the future but they probably won't be...the cover of magazines that claim you can 'Lose 15 Pounds While Still Eating Macaroni and Cheese?!?!' Forget it. Have fun eating one macaroni noodle with a piece of Parmesan cheese on it for every meal because it's just not going to happen. We get so psyched on these things that sound too good to be true and constantly feel like we're failing. You're not a failure, I'm not a failure, we only fail if we don't try and if you try and fall down, get up again, it happens. If you need to throw yourself a pity party afterward, make it quick because you're just cutting into your 'try again' time.

So there you have it, my no topic, here-goes-nothing, approach to this blog. I really hope this is bringing some kind of peace to you when you need it. I often times feel like I'm the only one who thinks the way I do and maybe that is the case, but if this makes sense to you then my job here is done. If not, then I hope you enjoy you're macaroni and cheese diet.

God is Love.

Forgive and Forget

So remember when we made new year's resolutions 20 days ago? And PROMISED ourselves that we would stick to them? Well, how's yours going? If you answered: GREAT! I haven't slipped up once, making a huge, life changing transition was way easier than I expected!..... Then I am going to assume you are lying to me or you are my friend Macaile, who for some reason has the self discipline of a saint. For me, on the other hand, I thought that journaling would be a great way to begin a new year... Well, my first journal entry of the year dates all the way back to 2 days ago...so there you have it folks, I'm a total flake. When I make promises to myself, I very rarely ever keep them. Sometimes I feel like I should just make a commitment to do things that I know I'm going to do anyways because I hate to let myself down. I mean, I really beat myself up about stuff and then after awhile I just figure that it's too late now, I'll just totally blow any self control to the wind and do whatever I want to do. I've been really letting all of this get to me lately and have began to get down in the dumps about it and hi, it's the 20th day of January...

If you can relate to this in any way, let me tell you something that I've come to the conclusion of, after much deep thought that has taken place in the past 5 minutes... Don't hurt yourself over it and don't give up on it! I would love to change my eating habits, in fact, I would like to change my entire lifestyle habit AND start journalling but I also think that we're exactly where we need to be for the changes we need to make for ourselves. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order for us to become better versions of ourselves we need to do it with what we have right now, super cliche right? I know, I love it...but seriously we can try to blame it on the fact that we aren't close to a gym or that we can't afford fancy organic food, or that we don't have enough time on our hands, or that it's not really important anyway, or WHATEVER...but we can't let those things get the best of us because that's right where our progress, no matter how slow or fast it's been going, comes to a screeching hault. I've found myself in this position time after time and I have done well and then completely failed and tried to get back up, then life gets in the way, then, you're 6 months down the road wondering what you were going to do anyway... Story of my life!!

I don't know where you're at right now friend, I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out how to trick myself into thinking carrots taste really good and working out is the best time of my life but it hasn't worked yet. I'm trying to tell myself that the new episode of Modern Family isn't really that important but it just sounds like the best thing that could happen to me at that very moment. So here's my new 11 month resolution and hopefully it'll work it's way into next year and beyond: I'm going to forgive myself. That's it. The more I think about the series of my life it's been a series of failures and resolutions, with a bit of stuffing my face to make me feel better mixed in between. I figure that by being able to forgive myself I can at least skip the part of eating my emotions away.

I'm really hoping this works for someone else other than me and I hope this can bring a little more clarity to your way of thinking. I truly believe that you are in the right place at the right time, to make the best decisions you can for a better life to live. I also think that if we fail, who cares!! Don't punish yourself over being human because when you put yourself in that position the next move is to give up. So, if you told yourself you were going to work out more and you started strong and your perseverance is fading then switch it up and make it as fun as possible. Can we just start loving ourselves again?! It's definitely something I've had the most difficult time with and I'm only 20 years old. I wish I had the same mindset that I did when I was 8 years old, not a care in the world as to what I looked like, what people thought of me or even what I was going to do the next day. I would give anything to have that back again! But the first step, I believe is to begin to forgive ourselves. C.S. Lewis said something that has always stuck in my mind :


“We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.”