Unwritten

I have been wanting to write about something for such a long time now but have been holding off because I haven't quite come up with the right words to say, or the proper topic to write on. Enough is enough though, I'm just going to wing it because there is just too much built up inside of me to not pass it on to the world. I would call everyone I know and bring them up to speed on all of the certain things I learn on a daily basis and the idiotic yet somewhat sensible thoughts that track through my brain but who wants to hear that, and I fear that they would be far too kind to actually care enough to listen to that noise. So hear it is, read it or not, like it or not, I'm finally sitting down to jot it out, because honestly, who really blogs for other people's well being anyway? 

Lately, I must say, life has been pretty different. For one thing, I've never worked so much in my entire life and I'm beginning to learn how to like it especially when pay day rolls around. Secondly, I'm studying business management now, which I NEVER thought I would really study...I have always wanted to have my own business but I just thought it was a matter of leasing space and filling it with stuff to sell people...not the case. I recently made the switch to being vegan, cut out caffeine completely and have started a boot camp work out class that is three times a week. So to say I've been an emotional basket case and exhausted mostly 100% of the time would be a real understatement...now I'm not saying that I deserve any credit for pushing myself to ridiculous levels and to be quite frank, doing things that I definitely don't enjoy (accounting homework and lentils anyone?) because since I have been doing this I have met many people who work much more diligently than I do and it has been a humbling experience. 

I have learned a couple things from my trials along the way down crazy commitment lane. The first of  which would be that these are all positive changes and I need to remember why I started them in the first place. This has been most difficult for me to learn with my business classes. It is honestly like that bad day in high school where you forget everything you learned from the last class and there's a pop quiz that you know you're going to bomb...yes, I have had to hold back tears in class (more than once) because I hate that feeling! Call me crazy but knowing you're about to see a full page of red pen is terrifying and ultimately not understanding what is going on at all just stinks. I could study all day but in the end I'm still not going to really apply inelastic demand to my life, I'm just not going to. You know what else I have learned? That this is necessary for my growth, I'm learning something completely foreign to me and yeah, it's going to be scary and falling down is going to hurt but that's okay because at the end of the day I don't even want to call myself a 'great accountant' or a 'terrific economist'. That's not me and that's fine. I don't have to be good at everything but it is important for me to know about these subjects if I ever want to make a living being a designer one day.

Lesson number two: You can't rely on yourself for everything. This one I'm actually still working on, I really hate asking for favors or for someone to listen to me whine about how tired I am because, well,  I don't like it when people do that to me... On the flip side, however, it is good to feel so confident in a relationship that you can pour all of your irrational thoughts out and they are there to listen and hear you out without judging you. I think that is where I fall short. I have a tendency to feel that if I do this with someone they are going to hightail it the other way and I often have that problem because it has happened several times...not the best feeling ever but it is important to do so. Not only does it make you feel better to dump all the stuff bottled up inside by writing it out, saying it out, or my personal favorite, singing it out (parents loved that one when I was growing up)because it solidifies a relationship. Luckily, I have a couple trusty friends who I know that if I ever just need to talk to about my minor problems they have an open ear. Yes, I did have to weed out a couple people who didn't really care or would later hold it against me but it just shows you who your true friends are (now I'm going on a tangent and I think it was worth it so it's staying on here) You know, there is something so beautiful in being completely vulnerable about how you feel, to someone you love and they are still standing by your side no matter what is said and done.

Lastly friends, I want to talk about expectations. Here were my expectations before I started this whole mind, body, soul, transformation period. Mind: Fall in love with business management and kill every test. Body: Lose AT LEAST 10 pounds, look totally awesome in about 2 weeks...no big deal. Soul: Feel great about eating totally clean and lose at least 10 pounds. 

As you can see the "soul" portion is a little soul-less but those were my honest expectations if I were to have written them down 7 weeks ago. I probably would have laughed a week later realizing how ridiculous I was being. So to let you know what has really happened in 7 weeks, I have failed a couple quizzes, I haven't lost any weight, cutting caffeine was probably one of the more painful food addictions to break (although sugar is a leading contender as well), not really seeing a whole lot of "ripped" muscles coming through although I do feel stronger and have seen an improvement in my work outs and being vegan rocks (honestly, no complaints). So all in all, within 7 weeks my expectations have failed in most ways but I have made positive reinforcements in my life that I have proven to myself that I am able to do. I am strong enough, I do have enough self-control, I do have enough will power and everyone else does too. I would like to think that my expectations would be more realistic in the future but they probably won't be...the cover of magazines that claim you can 'Lose 15 Pounds While Still Eating Macaroni and Cheese?!?!' Forget it. Have fun eating one macaroni noodle with a piece of Parmesan cheese on it for every meal because it's just not going to happen. We get so psyched on these things that sound too good to be true and constantly feel like we're failing. You're not a failure, I'm not a failure, we only fail if we don't try and if you try and fall down, get up again, it happens. If you need to throw yourself a pity party afterward, make it quick because you're just cutting into your 'try again' time.

So there you have it, my no topic, here-goes-nothing, approach to this blog. I really hope this is bringing some kind of peace to you when you need it. I often times feel like I'm the only one who thinks the way I do and maybe that is the case, but if this makes sense to you then my job here is done. If not, then I hope you enjoy you're macaroni and cheese diet.

God is Love.