Driving Miss Crazy

I went for a drive the other day and broke down. The car didn't break down but I most definitely did. I came crashing to a halt in my spirit while my tires rolled on down the PCH. I can't say it wasn't a long time coming, there were frequent tears that would pour over on lonely nights of homesickness. This isn't an oddity for me either. Ever since I have moved away from home I have been overcome with a darkness that creeps in temporarily. Knowing that the morning is around the corner I would fall asleep with exhaustion from draining myself of tears. Many people that know me very well would never guess that I have this battle raging inside my soul, a true fight for the light in my case. It's not that I am a negative person, although I often times find myself having to adjust my thoughts to a more positive view, it is not my identity. Over these many years of ups and downs, finding myself in pieces on the floor or sprinting to the finish line of a great success. I have found that whether I'm in either of these situations if I do not have God at the center of what I'm doing, there is no peace. This brings me to think that everyone must be fighting for this light whether they know it or not. Everyone is in search of peace whether you like to think that you are or not. Is this not what wars are waged over? Is this not why people do mad things? Is this not why a lover would sacrifice most anything for their significant other, to satisfy a peace at the center of their heart? Is this not why greed exists? If you think about it everything revolves around a peace that everyone is seeking. Whether they want peace for strong finances to provide for themselves and their loved ones. Whether this peace is bringing their nation to a satisfied state. Or even if one wants peace, like me, just to know that the dreams in their hearts will ever become a reality.

I guess I have to ask myself, in these dark places of my life, who is behind the wheel of my life? Is it me? Because if it is, that explains the exhaustion, the negativity, the hopelessness, the loneliness I feel. If God is behind the wheel of my life there is no way I could possibly feel exhausted, negative, hopeless or lonely. Going back and reflecting on the toughest time of my life when I was also seeking God, I had so many miracles happen on a daily basis. I'm not saying that these miracles stop when I am behind the wheel, dictating my life, I just don't notice them as much. It's kind of like the people who are very lucky and blessed and they do not even recognize how much they have and how easy their life is. For some reason I find that those people are the most miserable. We all know these type of people and it is much easier to see from the outside but that is exactly how it is when the Lord is not driving the car of my life. I am skimming the cliffs, driving reckless, just barely missing major accidents, all along God is protecting me while I spin out of control. IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE LIFE! We can get very lucky and live life getting used to God saving us the whole time or we can trust him and give the wheel over to the one who created the car and knows how to drive it better than anyone else in the world. He doesn't get exhausted, He doesn't give up, we have conversations on love, faith, hope, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and I'm certainly not lonely when this is what my life is filled with. Listen, if we spend too long getting used to God saving us and turning our backs to him, he still loves us more than anyone in the world ever could! That is great news! But how sad would you feel once you realize you really need him? I'm sure some of you who are reading this just laughed out loud thinking, Lauren, you're crazy! That's fine, I just know what I know from experience, I've tried both sides, I've tried to live your way and I give you props because it is much more difficult. I'm tossing the keys to my Father in heaven who loves me more than anyone else and can take me on the best ride of my life. There is no better peace than that. Besides, it's always more fashionable to have someone drive you anyways. 

 God is Love...and Peace for that matter

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  -Jeremiah 29:11

Unwritten

I have been wanting to write about something for such a long time now but have been holding off because I haven't quite come up with the right words to say, or the proper topic to write on. Enough is enough though, I'm just going to wing it because there is just too much built up inside of me to not pass it on to the world. I would call everyone I know and bring them up to speed on all of the certain things I learn on a daily basis and the idiotic yet somewhat sensible thoughts that track through my brain but who wants to hear that, and I fear that they would be far too kind to actually care enough to listen to that noise. So hear it is, read it or not, like it or not, I'm finally sitting down to jot it out, because honestly, who really blogs for other people's well being anyway? 

Lately, I must say, life has been pretty different. For one thing, I've never worked so much in my entire life and I'm beginning to learn how to like it especially when pay day rolls around. Secondly, I'm studying business management now, which I NEVER thought I would really study...I have always wanted to have my own business but I just thought it was a matter of leasing space and filling it with stuff to sell people...not the case. I recently made the switch to being vegan, cut out caffeine completely and have started a boot camp work out class that is three times a week. So to say I've been an emotional basket case and exhausted mostly 100% of the time would be a real understatement...now I'm not saying that I deserve any credit for pushing myself to ridiculous levels and to be quite frank, doing things that I definitely don't enjoy (accounting homework and lentils anyone?) because since I have been doing this I have met many people who work much more diligently than I do and it has been a humbling experience. 

I have learned a couple things from my trials along the way down crazy commitment lane. The first of  which would be that these are all positive changes and I need to remember why I started them in the first place. This has been most difficult for me to learn with my business classes. It is honestly like that bad day in high school where you forget everything you learned from the last class and there's a pop quiz that you know you're going to bomb...yes, I have had to hold back tears in class (more than once) because I hate that feeling! Call me crazy but knowing you're about to see a full page of red pen is terrifying and ultimately not understanding what is going on at all just stinks. I could study all day but in the end I'm still not going to really apply inelastic demand to my life, I'm just not going to. You know what else I have learned? That this is necessary for my growth, I'm learning something completely foreign to me and yeah, it's going to be scary and falling down is going to hurt but that's okay because at the end of the day I don't even want to call myself a 'great accountant' or a 'terrific economist'. That's not me and that's fine. I don't have to be good at everything but it is important for me to know about these subjects if I ever want to make a living being a designer one day.

Lesson number two: You can't rely on yourself for everything. This one I'm actually still working on, I really hate asking for favors or for someone to listen to me whine about how tired I am because, well,  I don't like it when people do that to me... On the flip side, however, it is good to feel so confident in a relationship that you can pour all of your irrational thoughts out and they are there to listen and hear you out without judging you. I think that is where I fall short. I have a tendency to feel that if I do this with someone they are going to hightail it the other way and I often have that problem because it has happened several times...not the best feeling ever but it is important to do so. Not only does it make you feel better to dump all the stuff bottled up inside by writing it out, saying it out, or my personal favorite, singing it out (parents loved that one when I was growing up)because it solidifies a relationship. Luckily, I have a couple trusty friends who I know that if I ever just need to talk to about my minor problems they have an open ear. Yes, I did have to weed out a couple people who didn't really care or would later hold it against me but it just shows you who your true friends are (now I'm going on a tangent and I think it was worth it so it's staying on here) You know, there is something so beautiful in being completely vulnerable about how you feel, to someone you love and they are still standing by your side no matter what is said and done.

Lastly friends, I want to talk about expectations. Here were my expectations before I started this whole mind, body, soul, transformation period. Mind: Fall in love with business management and kill every test. Body: Lose AT LEAST 10 pounds, look totally awesome in about 2 weeks...no big deal. Soul: Feel great about eating totally clean and lose at least 10 pounds. 

As you can see the "soul" portion is a little soul-less but those were my honest expectations if I were to have written them down 7 weeks ago. I probably would have laughed a week later realizing how ridiculous I was being. So to let you know what has really happened in 7 weeks, I have failed a couple quizzes, I haven't lost any weight, cutting caffeine was probably one of the more painful food addictions to break (although sugar is a leading contender as well), not really seeing a whole lot of "ripped" muscles coming through although I do feel stronger and have seen an improvement in my work outs and being vegan rocks (honestly, no complaints). So all in all, within 7 weeks my expectations have failed in most ways but I have made positive reinforcements in my life that I have proven to myself that I am able to do. I am strong enough, I do have enough self-control, I do have enough will power and everyone else does too. I would like to think that my expectations would be more realistic in the future but they probably won't be...the cover of magazines that claim you can 'Lose 15 Pounds While Still Eating Macaroni and Cheese?!?!' Forget it. Have fun eating one macaroni noodle with a piece of Parmesan cheese on it for every meal because it's just not going to happen. We get so psyched on these things that sound too good to be true and constantly feel like we're failing. You're not a failure, I'm not a failure, we only fail if we don't try and if you try and fall down, get up again, it happens. If you need to throw yourself a pity party afterward, make it quick because you're just cutting into your 'try again' time.

So there you have it, my no topic, here-goes-nothing, approach to this blog. I really hope this is bringing some kind of peace to you when you need it. I often times feel like I'm the only one who thinks the way I do and maybe that is the case, but if this makes sense to you then my job here is done. If not, then I hope you enjoy you're macaroni and cheese diet.

God is Love.

Forgive and Forget

So remember when we made new year's resolutions 20 days ago? And PROMISED ourselves that we would stick to them? Well, how's yours going? If you answered: GREAT! I haven't slipped up once, making a huge, life changing transition was way easier than I expected!..... Then I am going to assume you are lying to me or you are my friend Macaile, who for some reason has the self discipline of a saint. For me, on the other hand, I thought that journaling would be a great way to begin a new year... Well, my first journal entry of the year dates all the way back to 2 days ago...so there you have it folks, I'm a total flake. When I make promises to myself, I very rarely ever keep them. Sometimes I feel like I should just make a commitment to do things that I know I'm going to do anyways because I hate to let myself down. I mean, I really beat myself up about stuff and then after awhile I just figure that it's too late now, I'll just totally blow any self control to the wind and do whatever I want to do. I've been really letting all of this get to me lately and have began to get down in the dumps about it and hi, it's the 20th day of January...

If you can relate to this in any way, let me tell you something that I've come to the conclusion of, after much deep thought that has taken place in the past 5 minutes... Don't hurt yourself over it and don't give up on it! I would love to change my eating habits, in fact, I would like to change my entire lifestyle habit AND start journalling but I also think that we're exactly where we need to be for the changes we need to make for ourselves. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in order for us to become better versions of ourselves we need to do it with what we have right now, super cliche right? I know, I love it...but seriously we can try to blame it on the fact that we aren't close to a gym or that we can't afford fancy organic food, or that we don't have enough time on our hands, or that it's not really important anyway, or WHATEVER...but we can't let those things get the best of us because that's right where our progress, no matter how slow or fast it's been going, comes to a screeching hault. I've found myself in this position time after time and I have done well and then completely failed and tried to get back up, then life gets in the way, then, you're 6 months down the road wondering what you were going to do anyway... Story of my life!!

I don't know where you're at right now friend, I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out how to trick myself into thinking carrots taste really good and working out is the best time of my life but it hasn't worked yet. I'm trying to tell myself that the new episode of Modern Family isn't really that important but it just sounds like the best thing that could happen to me at that very moment. So here's my new 11 month resolution and hopefully it'll work it's way into next year and beyond: I'm going to forgive myself. That's it. The more I think about the series of my life it's been a series of failures and resolutions, with a bit of stuffing my face to make me feel better mixed in between. I figure that by being able to forgive myself I can at least skip the part of eating my emotions away.

I'm really hoping this works for someone else other than me and I hope this can bring a little more clarity to your way of thinking. I truly believe that you are in the right place at the right time, to make the best decisions you can for a better life to live. I also think that if we fail, who cares!! Don't punish yourself over being human because when you put yourself in that position the next move is to give up. So, if you told yourself you were going to work out more and you started strong and your perseverance is fading then switch it up and make it as fun as possible. Can we just start loving ourselves again?! It's definitely something I've had the most difficult time with and I'm only 20 years old. I wish I had the same mindset that I did when I was 8 years old, not a care in the world as to what I looked like, what people thought of me or even what I was going to do the next day. I would give anything to have that back again! But the first step, I believe is to begin to forgive ourselves. C.S. Lewis said something that has always stuck in my mind :


“We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.”

Uncharted

Well I am pleased to inform you that this will be the last post of 2010. Lately I've been reflecting on the past year and recalling certain moments that could be defined as "life-changers", I won't go into those but we all have them and I believe there is some importance in remembering those moments. What I am wanting to talk to myself about today is how I can have more of those "life-changers" and I'm about to get real honest here, so if I happen to offend the 3 people that read this, I apologize...it's a life journey (hence the title of this blog) and I'm trying to pave my own path here.

I'm not really sure how to begin but there are a lot of people in my life right now that I don't agree with. I think they're making mistakes, worrying their lives away or just are plain old in a slump and it drives me crazy! I can talk all day about what I think these people should do differently but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I am realizing that everyone has their own path. I have been through hell and back a couple times and have come to realize that the people I thought were my friends, had no idea what was even going on in my life and the people that I thought were acquaintances were really the best friends I could have asked for. I've made the realization that although you have a "mom" and "dad" that they are also people going through their own battles and making their own choices. I've learned that you really can't trust everyone, even the people that are closest to you sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that the friends you've had for the longest amount of time aren't always your strongest friendships and the most important thing I've come to know is that we MUST become uncomfortable to grow. I'm going to repeat it again because I think it is so important: WE MUST BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE TO GROW.

So now I'm down to maybe 1 person who reads this and you're probably only half way paying attention at this point because I just kicked you where it hurts. I know it hurts me to think that way sometimes but I am also the most thankful for the moments where I pushed myself off the cliff, learned to enjoy the feeling of falling, hit the side a couple times and ended up flat on my face with a couple broken bones but was in a brand new valley that took me to a better place in my life and then repeated the action. Sometimes we don't always know how far the fall will be, sometimes we just need to start with jumping off baby steps to scare ourselves a little bit and then realize that we're okay after all. Either way, my challenge to everybody in their lives this next year is to walk up to the side of your cliff, whether that is taking a trip to someplace you've always wanted to go, or telling a person something you've always wanted to tell them, or branching out and making new friends, or moving away and pursuing your dreams but by all means, throw yourself off the edge. I promise it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and if you can't think of anything that scares you then I encourage you to climb out from the rock you are living under and do something, take a risk, encourage others to take risks in their lives, come alive again, break out from your everyday routine and LIVE for heaven's sake, start somewhere!



Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9


Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -John Eldredge 




The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. -Leo Buscaglia


Do one thing every day that scares you. 
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The Death of Debbie Downer

Have you ever been mentally assaulted by something completely out of the blue? Today I was sitting at my desk at work, just organizing, doing simple tasks when I started thinking about my thoughts. I by no means have had a bad week, sure it's been stressful but for some reason my mind was tormenting me with horrible negativity. Anger, jealousy, sadness, I was beating up on myself for absolutely no reason at all. Then in a quick change I would go in the exact opposite direction and think "I am WAY to hard on myself, I work so hard, I deserve to treat myself". This thought then helping my validate bad behavior in a totally different way. How come I couldn't seem to balance my life? There was no neutral ground in my head, I was being harassed and had no idea how to stop it. I have been fighting with myself all day with trying to force myself to do things that I really do love doing but for some reason everything has been so much harder, not as fun, just being a total Debbie Downer and nobody wants to hang out with Miss Downer as we all know.


Then I started taking control of this. (Uhm hi, I'm in my second decade of life and now just learning how to stop thinking bad thoughts, go me...) I literally had to stop whatever I was doing at the time, oh yes, eating like I hadn't been fed in the last 2 weeks, to think about WHY I was being so crazy. This was hard to do, those ravioli's were starting to develop a very loud, convincing and distracting voice. So I started planting little thankful seeds in my head (this was easy seeing as how thanksgiving was just last week and I had lots of things fresh on my mind) Once I had crawled through the back door of my mind and fought Debbie Downer to the ground, tied her up and kicked her butt out the door I hung out for a bit and began to wonder how she even got there in the first place. 


Recently, I've been taking many risks, putting myself out there, pushing myself out of "the box" and all of this seemed to be paying off. I am finally getting a grip of what I think I could ultimately see myself doing, at least for a little while. I am developing a sense of who I want to be, how I want others to see me, etc. As I've progressed in this direction I have had such a strong force against me and one of the ways that has been pressing me the most are these sneaky little things I think. It makes me realize that there is something that doesn't want me to progress, that wants me to stay stagnant and vegetative. So wouldn't that same press for inactivity want to tell me the opposite of who I am supposed to be? Could it be possible now, that I've finally developed a sense of self, that something is scared of the power that was vested towards me in the beginning and wants to lead me astray? So does this all in fact mean that every negative thought, belief, and insecurity of mine is indeed false and quite the opposite?


I think so. 


I have come across the truth and realization that sometimes our greatest fears in life are often our greatest callings in life. We've all heard some sort of story that is similar: the great author/speaker who used to be shy and failed English class in high school or something to that extent. So my next thoughts are these: What is it that holds me back from my dream the most? What can I do to recognize these fears and remove them from my life in every way?


Then it's realized! Then I will pursue this and of course fail a couple times but I'm a work in progress


I always think that with so much focus on self at times it's easy to make that a bad habit instead of a good one so look around at everyone else that is signaling to you that they have weaknesses and fears and speak truth and power into their lives. That person who is constantly complaining that you typically try to stray away from probably has a major need for positive reinforcement in their life. 


So I leave you with this: Whether Debbie Downer is your BFF, your worst enemy or that girl that always shows up uninvited to your party (in my case), believe in your deepest dream and don't let anyone tell you differently. Your fear(s) that seem overwhelming at times are usually a. not as horrible as they appear b. the breaking point for something amazing that is about to happen in your life. So go out and kick butt, take names and be who you were made to be. Also feed the needy people around you with blessed words because you just may need them in a time of weakness one day. 


Peace, Love & Starbucks Holiday Cups

delivered

As I skimmed over the last post from the middle of this month I can't believe how much has happened. I can say that within a two week period God has shown up and delivered in ways that I could have never expected or deserved. After I tithed the $100 of the last of my money I received a call from my mom 2 days later saying that my grandma was willing to pay for my next month's rent at the place I was no longer living in (and still looking for a roommate at the time). My rent was $1,100, within 2 days God had returned my investment 11 times over. There is no way I could have ever asked anyone for that much money, nor could I have supplied it for myself, BUT GOD always has a plan. 

To continue with my next week, I had been praying constantly, over and over "God by the end of this week, I need a roommate to take my place". Well, as I'm sure we know or have heard God has a sense of humor and as I was busy making my own plan for what I wanted God to do, he had his own idea already set for me. Last Sunday, I had realized that I never published my post on craigslist for my apartment, so right before I went to church I published it and left. I checked my e-mail after church to find that a girl was interested in my place and wanted to check it out in a couple hours. We met up and she said she would "think about it and let me know". I was used to hearing this by now from a few other girls who wanted to see it. I figured she probably wouldn't call back and I would have to continue my search, entering into the last week of October. Before I even returned back to my new place I got a call from her saying she wanted to move in. I didn't believe it for a second and then after I hung up the phone started thanking God for once again, saving my hopeless self. 

Now as I arrive into the first week of November and begin my job search I have no doubt in my mind that He will continue to deliver in ways that I can't even imagine. 

We can second guess, freak out, set our own deadlines, put in all our effort, try and fail and try again then snap at God when he doesn't give us our way. OR we can choose to take the steps necessary to set God up for success in our lives. After we do that there is no need to stress and worry. I didn't get any call from anyone offering me 1,000 bucks or have someone e-mail me randomly asking if I had a place they could live in. I had to first give the last of my savings, then I had to post my ad up everywhere I could. After I did that I knew I could sit back and let God take over. That's what he promises.

Luke 11:9

And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 

Psalms 23:4-6

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

in GOD we trust

There have been more than enough stresses being handed to me lately, as I submerge myself back into my school work for my last quarter here at FIDM I find myself in another new apartment, trying to find someone to take my place at the one I signed a year for last month, homework and working part time for an Interior Design firm. There are many twists and turns to my story that I don't really want to get into but let me tell you, I've never felt this much weight on my shoulders before in my life. As if the things to deal with in the front of my mind aren't enough I also have the lingering presence of what college I'm going to attend after I graduate here in 2 months, what kind of job I want to start looking for, preparing my portfolio, resume, business cards, website, etc. for future job interviews, it all is seeming quite tedious at the moment.

As my long list of to-do's sits patiently unfettered in my mind I can't help but hear the voice of God calling me to him, louder than it ever has before. I ask a question and can instantly hear a voice, not of my own, putting my anxiety back to a resting place in him.

This morning, as I was reading a passage in Matthew 6 about giving without expecting anything in return I immediately wasn't reading it for my own benefit. I figured that these were lovely words for someone who has money, time, energy and obviously no problems at all that they can then focus on other people. I stopped and cleaned up my breakfast mess and returned with a whole new perspective on this passage.

You see, I have $2.22 in an old banking account (that I still probably won't get rid of because I think it's awesome that it's 222) which is all I have to my name as far as the government knows. I've also had this $100 bill in a pretty little envelope entitled Lauren's Savings Envelope  (just in case an intruder was going through my stuff and wanted to know exactly where the rest of my savings was) that has been tucked away in my bible for quite sometime now. As I sat in some sort of meditative daze I heard God asking me to tithe my $100. For more than a year now, I haven't had a job that pays and have been relying completely on my parents or student loans to pay for school, rent, etc. So this $100 bill is the only thing left from any sort of pride that I may have. That, and $2.22...this money is rightfully mine, I've been diligent on keeping it and not spending this crisp little piece of paper.

As I pulled little Benjamin Franklin from my pristine envelope and examined my last resource, I realized that this money was not mine to begin with, it is God's. I started thinking about all that I had been through in the past year living in LA and how much I've had to rely on him, how he has always pulled through for me and now more than ever do I need him. I'm a mess without him and I need some sort of miracle to kick me out of this little rut. As I flipped the bill over I noticed the words at the top: 'IN GOD WE TRUST' and I couldn't help but smile.

I don't know who is reading this, it could be more people than I assume (and I assume no one will) but that's not the point. The point is, whatever you're going through, just know that you can trust God. He has always been there for you whether you know it or like it or choose to take advantage of it or whatever. All I can say is that it's worked for me, if I end up falling flat on my face at the end of all this then so be it. I've also learned that giving (in whatever form) is for everyone, not just those that have all the time and resources in the world but those who are in the midst of the hardship. How much more will God be glorified and those people be blessed when they give the last of what they have? THAT is trust. I'm choosing to put my confidence in the one and only folks, I hope you choose to do the same.

Matthew 6:19
¹⁹"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.